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Figuratively, philosophically, spiritually, much less so. My entire life is before me. The world is my ostrea edulis That means the edible kind of oyster. You sure you won't take mine instead? She tries to switch her leather bag for Mary's Kroger bag. Mary resists, points back and forth between the two bags. MARY Mom, two handles, two handles, they both hold stuff, what's the difference? Horowitz goes to explain, gives up. MARY Disrespect. Do you mean unmannerly, tactless, vulgar?
Because he's a straight man, Dad, and some things can't be helped. MARY to herself I'm not coming back alone. A young audio tech JOSH hovers nearby. Twenty- four hours later, at least thirty employees are still being held hostage by the assailant, their lives hanging in the balance.
He listens to his earpiece, nods. Guests who cross the drawbridge enjoy a medieval style feast while watching the main attraction: knights engaging in a battle of strength and skill. The restaurant promises "fun, feasting and fighting" but it appears that this time, fun was in short supply. We have one confirmed death - an Andalusian - a purebred Spanish horse.
One of many that perform in the show, and the first innocent victim of a rogue knight's rage He takes a moment to fake compose himself, barely getting the words out. A rolling meadow, lush grasses, unlimited supply of Nevertheless, a beautiful, peaceful place. He turns and looks toward to the Medieval Times. Hartman scans it, instantly kills the fake anguish.
We're the first to report, the horse is not dead, Paula. Not dead. The horse is alive and well after having merely fainted, as it was trained to do for the show. One happy, blessed miracle MORE And they're out. A pissed off Hartman pulls out his earpiece. Get it a bit closer to right before you hand it to me. Josh moves in, removes Hartman's mic.
Josh and Angus laugh. The light above their seats illuminates the crossword puzzle he's working on. Mary looks over his shoulder, points to the blank spaces in his puzzle. MARY Omaha The man drops the crossword, glares at her. MARY Sorry. She looks away, starts biting her nails, then spots a sign on the freeway, calls-out to the Driver and anybody else who will listen.
Named after Sir Henry Bessemer, a Brit. Guess what he did? Perfected the way steel is made, of course. MARY cont'd I won't bore you with the whole story, just the best parts, like how it involves molten pig iron which does not, as one might think, have anything to do with pigs. It's actually a raw iron made from iron ore, plus limestone, plus coke - and by coke I mean the carbonaceous residue, not the cola, or the booger sugar.
Mary looks around for a response -- nothing. The city, I mean? Hitler's typewriter. It's crazy, I know. That guy was such an asshole. The Driver's eyes glaze over. Please let this and. Most of them are still sleeping. He steps off the bus. Mary turns to the man next to her. MARY Can you watch my stuff?
He glares at her -- you have got to be kidding. Mary grabs her backpack and Kroger bag and steps off the bus. On her way, she spots a television behind the counter. Mary joins them. In keeping with his role as a medieval knight, he's insisting on an eleventh century messenger to deliver all communication. Carrier pigeons? MARY Homing pigeons. A few of the Diners overhear. The Diners look at Mary. MARY Carrier pigeons, despite their name, are more or less useless when it comes to actually carrying anything.
Homing pigeons are better for messenger work The Diners lose interest. He's hanging on her every word. MARY You know who used them all the time? Genghis Khan. Loved the pigeons, scared to death of pooches though. The Wanderer just stares at her. MARY You know, dogs, canines, de honden?
Still nothing. She looks back at the TV. Where do you even get them in this day and age? Mary looks at the Diners, smiles, points to the TV. MARY My boyfriend is probably holding that camera right now. The Diners ignore her and just eat their pie. Mary realizes the time, runs out of the rest stop. The bus is gone. MARY Crap! Crap, crap, crap! She looks down the road -- no sign of the bus anywhere. She takes her paper bag out of her pocket, breathes into it.
MARY I missed mine. She breathes double time into the paper bag. He takes pity on her. He points to his truck. Mary looks at the truck, looks at him, looks at the truck, thinks about it for a long time. With no sign of an answer forthcoming, the Truck Driver keeps walking to his rig.
When he's just about there, Mary yells out to him. MARY You ever killed animals? He looks at her, surprised but amused. MARY Set a garbage can full of kittens on fire or anything like that? Now he's disturbed. MARY Humans? MARY Touche, sir. Mary thinks some more. He climbs into the truck.
Mary runs to catch up with him. MARY Do you have a. Matches, Zippo, blow torch, et al? Why not. He pulls his license out of the visor, flashes it. Mary steps up and grabs it, looks at it closely. She reaches up and shakes his hand. I think. Still holding the license, she digs in her Kroger bag, pulls out a large black magic marker. She pushes up her sleeve and writes Norm's license number in huge print down her arm. MARY Norm, if you're going to rape and murder me, you'll have to cut me up into a million chunks and scatter me all over four states, otherwise this appendage - She holds her arm up, shows him.
MARY Will lead homicide detectives right to you. She smiles at him warmly, puts the marker back in her bag. MARY And you already told me you don't have a light to burn the flesh off. Norm can't believe this. Before he can say a word, Mary moves around to the passenger side, hops up into the truck. She notices some snacks on the dash. Want to go halfsies? At a loss, Norm motions for Mary to help herself. As she unwraps a Pie, he reluctantly starts up the truck.
Angus looks over paperwork. Her cousin from Florida - Never again. What the hell is wrong with you? There's a commotion in the distance. Every photographer on the grounds focuses on the castle. Reporters jump into position. Hartman touches up his make-up, roots through his bag. He yells out to Steve, Angus and Josh. The police surrounding the castle take aim. Dead silence as the Medieval Times drawbridge lowers. A KNIGHT walks out, arms raised as high as his squeaking armor will allow, which is not very high, but high enough to get the point across -- Surrender.
MARY And my other rule about crossword puzzles is this. No pencils. Doing a crossword with a pencil is like screaming with your lips duct taped together. It's weak. MARY cont'd If you're going to do a crossword, you should do it fearlessly, with abandon, and with a pen. She thinks about it, whispers. MARY Do you mean quiet as in softly hushed like this? Or do you mean quiet, as in silent? He nods.
Mary squeezes her lips together, holds them. It lasts for about a second. MARY Norm? NORM What? MARY Thanks for not raping me. NORM My pleasure. She looks across the road to the Medieval Times -- it's completely deserted. MARY Eight letter word for "screwed". Mary crosses to the Medieval Times parking lot, steps over the police line blowing in the wind. There's nobody for miles. That's what's great about crosswords, and life.
Every once in a while, you get a surprise. She heads back to the interstate, starts walking. The screen caption: "The Fight for Baby Peggy". MARY My road, dad. My road. You don't commit to a relationship and then give up because you'd rather be at home curled up in front of the fireplace with a thesaurus.
This is what people are supposed to do - go out on a limb for love. My limb just happens to be in Oklahoma. It's only miles away from home. No big deal. This time, no unsupervised butane experiment is going to ruin the adventure, I swear. Horowitz hangs up the phone. Horowitz walks to the TV, turns it on, flips stations. Images of the Oklahoma hospital vigil are everywhere. Captions like "Breaking News: Baby Peggy" flash across the screen. A long line of news crews, views of the hospital's admitting entrance behind them.
Shortly after the birth, her parents Misty and Bill Dunlevy separated. Now with joint custody, one parent wants the baby to keep the third leg, the other wants it gone Amputation surgery is scheduled for Wednesday but the father, Bill Dunlevy, isn't about to give up.
As his lawyers work to secure an injunction, the devoted father rallies public support for the extra limb. At the end of the long line of news crews, Steve has the camera on Hartman. This is Hartman Hughes reporting, live from Oklahoma City.
Steve signals they've cut, lowers his camera. Hartman calls out to Angus. Hartman acts out a wishbone pull. Steve's disgusted. Corbitt will love it. Steve turns and looks toward the edge of the fenced off hospital grounds. Many of them carry drawings of a three legged baby wearing a halo. Steve braces himself and heads for the crowd. Half way across, he spots a loner walking from the parking lot. He's 35, chubby, his shirt buttoned one button off so it hangs lower on the left.
In one hand: a pro-leg sign. In his other hand: a carton of chocolate milk. Howard stops to lick up the chocolate milk spilling all over his arm. Steve catches up with him. Steve shoulders his camera, focuses in on Howard's sign. It's an impressively detailed drawing of a judge yanking a baby's third leg off. Both parties have valid arguments.
A taxi inches through the crowd. It barely stops when Mary leaps out like she's late for a Yanni concert. Somewhere in the middle, she finds what she's hunting for -- Steve. Mary's face lights up and she starts running toward him - in her mind, no doubt in slow motion, with clouds parting to light her way. Steve's attention is drawn away from the interview with Howard. He spots Mary running toward him, arms outstretched.
He looks for a place to hide but she's running ridiculously fast. It's too late. She's only a few feet away. MARY Steve! She jumps into his arms but he's only got one arm free and isn't about to use it to catch her. She slides down his leg to the ground but quickly picks herself up.
MARY I'm here! MARY Talking to you. And noticing how the Oklahoma climate agrees with your complexion. MARY Of course not I went to Dallas looking for you first. And you know why? Steve grabs his head. This is not happening. I don't know what that means but trust me. We're so not. At a complete loss, he just goes along. Mary points to the partially hidden side door of the hospital. A MAN with his face covered, in a nurse's uniform and dress shoes, sneaks out the door unnoticed.
MARY I know. I'm just here to support you, show you I care, and also ask why you aren't following that guy pretending to be a nurse but obviously not wearing sterilizable, non-slip footwear. Steve looks toward the hospital, spots the Man. Steve takes off running. Mary yells out to him. MARY I'll be right here in case you want to make out later on!
Steve looks back, a bunch of people stare. Mary waves to him then watches until he's out of sight. Mary turns to see what he's pointing at - the growing crowd of protestors off in the distance. They wave their signs around, cry, sing and sway together, their painful song barely audible from afar. Mary watches, paralyzed with awe, like seeing herself in the mirror for the first time ever. At last, she has found her people. She reaches the last candle in line just as Mary walks up to join the group.
Elizabeth looks up at Mary, smiles. MARY Thanks. I found them in an alley. Elizabeth looks at the boots again, impressed. She stands up. MARY Neither really. We're supporting Baby Peggy's dad in his fight to save the baby's third leg. They're all for the amputation. MARY I'm just here because my boyfriend is working the story.
MARY I'm definitely pro-leg. Elizabeth smiles, hands Mary a candle. Horowitz watch TV and read at the same time. In the corner of the screen, "amputation countdown - 35 hours". Shots of the protestors' candlelight vigil appear on the screen. Horowitz spots Mary in the crowd, standing next to Elizabeth. She sings and waves her candle around, all the while straining to look for Steve.
Abe, look! There she is right there. Horowitz glances up from his book. Horowitz tries not to cry. Steve confides in Angus, trying not to wake up Hartman sleeping on the back seat. STEVE She's on me what, thirty seconds after meeting me, and the chick will not shut up the whole time. STEVE I think I'm in the clear, then she does this crossword - she works for the Citizen - she does this crossword all about me, and as if that's not crazy enough, she shows up here.
Red boots. Can't miss her. When a psychotic chick's swinging a machete at your throat, who cares if she's hot? I care. The chick is cra-zy. Hartman sits up, totally awake and never happier. He points at Steve. This is priceless! Steve cringes. Don't even. Mary listens in while she dispenses a hot chocolate from another protestor's backpack thermos. She finishes pouring, taps the guy on the shoulder. He walks away. Mary takes a sip of the hot chocolate, burns her mouth. She grabs her tongue with her fingers.
Hartman appears right in front of her. She's a bit stunned and star struck. He offers his hand. Mary lets go of her tongue, uses her saliva covered hand to shake his. MARY Mary. Mary, Mary, Mary. He takes his hand back, discretely wipes it on his pants. He was going on and on and on and on about it. I had to come see for myself. Great boots. The guy is like a brother to me.
Without missing a step, Hartman grabs a pen from his pocket and autographs the guy's sign whether he wants it or not, then continues on with Mary. Who do you think they're after? Hartman reflects on it, smiles. Sure he'll go for a few skanks here and there but it's all just a sad attempt to hide his fear.
All he wants is to love but he's afraid of opening up, afraid of putting himself out there, afraid of somebody like you, Mary - yes you - afraid of you breaking his heart. Can you blame him? She's a bit stunned and confused by all of this. MARY No?
Promise me this. Promise you'll stick around long enough to help him get over that fear. He tells you to go away, don't. He says he thinks you're crazy? You're not. He's crazy, Mary. Crazy not to let down his walls and tell you how he really feels. Can I count on you to hang in there no matter what? MARY Of course. I don't want to interfere in his work but I just need to be here for him and - He grabs her, hugs her in so her words are all muffled - and yet she keeps talking.
Hartman holds up his press pass to get rid of the Guard, then lets go of Mary. He points her toward the protestors, starts backing away. What side are you on? MARY Pro-leg. She shows him her button featuring a cartoon of a very happy three legged baby. Hartman laughs. No way they're going let that baby keep the third leg and live like a freak.
Trust me. He waves and turns around, starts heading for the press camp. Mary calls out to him. MARY She'd just be like the tree frogs. Hartman turns around. MARY A trematode parasite causes polymely that means extra limbs in tree frogs. It happens all the time. In some ponds there's like a quarter of the tree frogs with extra legs. Totally natural. Hartman looks at her like she's a nutcase. Hartman arrives back at the van.
Josh rushes to get the mic on Hartman. JOSH The parents of the kid got back together. Surgery's cancelled. Hartman quickly. The kid keeps the leg. Hartman checks his teeth in a hand mirror. They all start hollering with joy.
The disappointed anti-leg protestors ditch their signs and storm off. Horowitz is asleep in front of the TV. He wakes up as the amputation countdown clock on the news stops. With surgery cancelled, it's time for the Dunlevys to be a family once again. Past a few more news crews, at the end the line, Steve has the camera on Hartman. This is Hartman Hughes reporting live from Oklahoma City. Hartman pulls out his ear piece. Angus, Josh and Steve all look at him, a bit surprised.
Where do you get this shit? Hartman taps the side of his head -- it's all up here. Steve and Angus look at each other -- is that even a word? The Protestor and his Protestor Wife cry tears of joy. Mary pulls a tissue out of her bag, hands it over. The husband takes it, turns away and wipes his eyes. Just a little nasolacrimal duct cleaning. Nothing to be ashamed of.
Elizabeth runs up to Mary, hugs her. When you sing loud enough and when your signs are big enough, people listen! Mary spots some of the news vans pulling away. I'll watch your stuff. Mary drops her bags, runs toward the media camp. In the back, Steve nervously looks out the windows. Josh gets in next to him. Angus starts driving slowly across the grass behind other news vans. Steve finally relaxes. Steve sees what Hartman's looking at. Hartman rolls down his window. Hartman sticks his head out the window.
Hartman waves to Mary to catch up. Angus sees her in the mirror as he drives. She's hot. Jesus, you guys - Angus hits the brakes. Steve hides behind the seat just as Mary catches up with the van. Mary tries to get a look at Steve but can only see part of his back hunched over behind the seat.
Are you okay? Is he okay? Angus leans over to her window. Mary shakes Angus' hand. He can't take his eyes off her. MARY Oh no. Steve punches him through the seat. Mary's oblivious. MARY Thank you. It would mean a lot to him. So sick he can't even sit up straight. MARY What if it's a viral zoonotic disease? He should see a doctor. Mary looks at Steve, worried. MARY But wait, what if - up.
Leachinan trial, Santa Fe, can you remember that? Mary nods, unable to speak. He lets go of her face. MARY Will you take care of him? She backs away from the window. Angus waves to her and starts driving. JOSH Except for those boots. Abandoned signs and garbage cover the grass. Elizabeth gets autographs from other protestors like it's the last day of high school.
Mary runs up, grabs her bags. MARY Elizabeth! I have to meet Steve at his next job, in New Mexico. He's sick, not as in rad, although he is that too, but more like unwell, infirm, perhaps barfy. Hopefully nothing serious but you never can be too sure and besides, healthy or not, he needs me.
Elizabeth hands her the ratty hand decorated book and a pen. Know what that is? A sacred sand pit near a burrito stand. What could be better than that? Mary looks away from Elizabeth, fidgets a bit. MARY Want to go? Unless you're busy, I mean.
You probably have something better to do. Elizabeth thinks about it. Mary is stunned. She takes a minute to realize it's real, gets excited. I'll go too. Mary turns around and spots Howard. Mary shakes her head. Howard offers his hand. It's got dried chocolate milk all over it. She takes it. Howard, Mary. Mary, Howard's got a car, you know. He can drive us.
Mary looks at him, thinks about it. MARY What kind of car do you have? MARY What year? Mary quickly scans her memory. MARY Replace the recalled seat belts? Mary thinks about it, smiles. MARY Let's grab souvenirs! Elizabeth and Howard each pick up a Baby Peggy sign off the ground. Mary grabs as many as she can hold -- way, way too many. A bunch of them slide off but she perseveres. Here's something you never see in crosswords, two letter words, and thank goodness for that.
The word "go": not fun. The word "vamoose": super fun. You see? In the passenger seat, Elizabeth has a bunch of the protest signs crammed in at her feet. Mary gets settled in the back seat, spots a copy of Scientific American magazine, then finds an apple stuck behind the seat belt. She yanks the apple out, looks at it. Howard looks at her in the rear view mirror. I have more. Mary puts the apple in her Kroger bag. MARY Howard, if you get sleepy and want to trade off driving for a while, just wake me up and I'll take over.
They stay awake all day too. No caffeine. Just sugar and my natural tendency to, you know, never fall asleep. Mary leans back, closes her eyes, and she's out. Mary sleep talks in the back. MARY Persimmon. AKA, the mabolo, the date-plum, the velvet apple.
Genus: Diospyros. For years, celebrities considered the five star meditation resort the only true place for spiritual purification, and with good reason. Nestled in the heart of reclaimed Pueblo Indian lands, the Elysium Sanctuary promised one thing - enlightenment. Twenty-six year old resort masseuse Juan Carlos Velasquez found stabbed to death in the meditation villa of beloved star of stage and screen, Cloris Leachman.
Leachman during her solitude retreat. At the end of the row, Hartman reports. HARTMAN But the octogenarian Leachman may not have been as innocent as her representatives claimed, at least according to the evidence found at the murder scene. Hartman reads from his notes. Leachman's chest that read "Mrs. Juan Carlos Velasquez". They all think about it. He looks at Mary, smiles. As he joins the Leachman fans, Mary thinks about it. MARY Be has a point. I love Cloris Leachman. How do I look? Unwashed hair, bed head, and there's a chunk of a Twinkie caked onto Mary's ear.
Elizabeth picks the Twinkie off, smooths down Mary's hair. MARY I'll be back. Save me a sign! Mary runs off as Howard and Elizabeth join the crowd of fans. At the entrance to a nearby tent, Hartman spots her, waves her over. What'd you do to your hair? MARY Slept on it in the car.
Where's Steve? Come in and wait. He'll be back soon. Hartman escorts Mary in. The guys perk up a bit. Steve's girlfriend? Mary shakes hands around the table, greets them all in their native tongues. MARY Hello Jolly afternoon She gets to Angus. He kisses her hand. He shoves the BBC guy out of the way to make room for Mary next to him. Vince shuffles the cards. MARY Poker? Technically I'm familiar but I've never actually played. With people, I mean.
Doug throws in some cash as Vince starts to deal. The crowd continues to grow. A Candles are lit, healing rituals performed, donuts passed around. MARY "There are few things that are so unpardonably neglected in our country as poker. She looks around the table. The guys, except Angus, are starting to lose their patience. Mary looks at her cards, thinks about it for way too long, then grabs a handful of coins from her Kroger bag, slaps them on the table.
MARY Send it, ladies! Steve steps into the tent, spots Mary, turns to run back out. Look who's here. Mary jumps up - just about knocks the table over, then sustains a number of injuries trying to leap over chairs. At last she makes it to Steve, hugs him. He looks over her shoulder and mouths "you're dead" to Hartman. TO He holds her back at arm's length, looks at her, goes speak then stops himself, pulls her outside the tent. It's more like picking travel destinations based on where you happen to be working.
MARY Hartman told me you wanted me here. Now that I am, what better opportunity for us to get to know each other better. MARY Hartman said you'd say that. MARY And he said you'd say that too. It's just your fear talking. Steve just about loses it. He's just an asshole who thinks it's fun to string you along and make my life hell. He yells toward the tent. Get out here! Mary looks right at him. MARY You know how sometimes you see a pinguid that means fat and greasy guy with an attractive girl and you think how the heck did he pull that off?
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